Dear Diary

It is so rare to simply breathe and be. I was sitting in my car, in the warm sun, and thinking to myself how nice it is to simply sit and breathe.

What a pleasure it is to sit in bed and read.

How enjoyable it is to have a simple adult conversation.

How nice it is to be in calm and quiet.

Today was the second time that I talked to my therapist. It’s really helpful for me. She said my box of trauma/energy is filling up and wanting to get out. It’s time that I begin to process it, not only in terms of school but in terms of childhood trauma, so that I can move on from it. I never realized that the chaos in the classroom mirrors the chaos I experienced at home. Maybe that’s why it’s so triggering for me and I can’t stand it. 😰😞 It feels like reliving the worst parts of growing up.

I think, that is also why I so crave calm and peace because it feels like I get so little of it. My parents are always stressed and high-strung.

My therapist asked me what home means to me. Well, there are really two forms of home I’ve lived in– home with my parents, and the home I created when I lived in Menifee.

My parents’ home/the home I grew up in:

Tension, chaos, safe, anxious, uncaring, judged, obligations, disapproval, doubt

My true home/the home when I lived by myself:

Safe, calm, peaceful, nice, alone, loving, independent

For me to truly blossom, I know I need to live away from my parents. There is apaart of me that is also worried if I am making a dumb decision by quitting– it’s my livelihood and the best job I’ve had so far, and I really can’t go back to it. But another part of me thinks if I wanted to teach again, I can. There are so many types of teaching-subjects, age groups, environment. Teaching in a K-12 classroom is not the only teaching option available. There are so many doubts I have right now even though I am making the right decision for me. For example, I feel like maybe I’m not good at anything, that neither school nor the office is for me, and questions about how I am going to survive as an adult.

But the other part of me is confident because I have strong work ethic, I’m meticulous, I’ve always had a job, and I know I’ll be alright even if I’m not super successful and I don’t have a career. It’s okay to not be as smart or successful as other people. My parents do worry and maybe they see me as a failure. Even I feel like a failure and am wondering if I’m even good at anything. Once I get out of this turbulence, I think I will be able to see the bigger picture.

My takeaway is that

1. I need to live away from my parents in order to blossom.

2. It’s time to unpack that box of trauma, process it, so that I can move on.

3. This is not going to be a life-ending decision. Life does and will go on.

I’m so thankful that I have people helping me through.

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