I am on the fence about whether I will go back or not. There’s a lot of feeings attached to it. On the other hand, I feel so safe, calm, and peaceful. There is no one hitting me or touching me. There are no micro-aggressions. The more I am at home, the more I realize how the chaotic environment at school and in the classroom really stresses me. It’s not that I don’t like being around people because when I worked at the mall, I sort of enjoyed it. But being around children is different and it triggers the chaos I felt in my childhood. I wonder why that didn’t surface when I was going into teaching. Definitely my first two years were chaotic and it hurt me. But this year, because of my students and the population, it hits closer to home than ever.
This is how I know, I really cannot go back. Now that I have recognized why being at school puts me in survival mode. It literally is all I can do to breathe and make sure no one is dying in there. I crave calm and peace and love. All the positive and healing things.