Dear Diary

I feel, for the first time in a long time, happy.

It is so strange and freeing and difficult. It’s difficult to be sick with pneumonia and anxiety. It’s freeing to be by myself, with only Gulu and without my family. It’s so strange that I am writing my own story, just like I did that very very special time two years ago in Menifee.

I. Love. It!!!!!!!!

I am reading. I am talking to a therapist. I am making my own doctor’s appointments. I am taking care of Gulu. I am jump starting a car by myself. I am taking my car to the dealership for a new battery. I am looking for work. I am waking up every day embracing life, even though the day is difficult. I am doing things that are scary but powering through. It feels amazing! (I am also taking my pills but I’ve always been good about that.)

I really do love and embrace this because in a way, this is what I’ve always wanted, to be away from my family, my dad in particular. He has been such a negative person in my life that without him, I feel so much more MYSELF! There is nothing greater than to be yourself.

In my mind, I am also healing and forgetting the people and things that have hurt me. It is hard work for sure and I have to remind myself to breathe. It feels a lot like ascending on a drop tower, and anticipating the drop any moment. But the thing is, I know I will be alright.

Coincidentally, I just finished reading this book called Secrets of Worry Dolls. Basically, it is a book written just for me. I am Lu! I am also Mari. I feel exactly like Lu. She lost her twin sister, her dad, and although her mom is living, she lost her a long time ago too. She has been left behind and abandoned so many times. Her mother’s story is a lfe of tragedy and at one point, she said

Disappeared mother. Dead baby. Tragic marriage. Lost lover. We never really had a chance but she tried her best. I forgive my mother.

I felt so much sadness and it is the same feeling I apply to my own life. Despite all the people who have left or the different ways that life tear people apart, life does go on.

I love the ending when Lu became Blanca’s guardian. It was so satisfying and after all the caretaking that has happened, I feel like I could be a guardian too. I love that Lu is a social worker! And I love Mari’s life. Her life is beautiful even if it was full of loss and tragedy. I think, her original and final form is like an orchid- beautiful, hearty, and rare. I love Mari. I am Lu. And it’s time to start living life.

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