My current emotions!

This year, needless to say, has been one of the worst globally. In my personal life, I’ve hit some of the lowest lows with my grandma’s passing and me basically escaping from my parents’ house. Moving out during a pandemic has been hard. I am beyond grateful to have a roof over my head, but it is stressful trying to manage everything and not having a partner.

Living alone during this time is a blessing but scary at the same time. I’ve had to confront a lot of my fears — fear of bugs, fear of being alone, and fear of coming home to everything broken and infested. (I have this fear because one of the worst days of my life happened like that.) I feel anxious and wonder if I will mess up and forget something, like leaving the stove on or forgetting to put the cap on something and spilling it. So far, it hasn’t happened. But I always wonder “Did I really close it?”

I have a huge fear of bugs and this highlights how hard it it to live alone — no one is there to kill the bug for me! And if there’s anything I hate more than an alive bug, it is a dead bug’s corpse. Yuck!!!!!! It’s just full of bad feelings. I’m super worried abotu one day coming home to a ton of insects. Realistically, I know that won’t happen. But it is still one of my fears.

Another thing that throws me off is the sense of pure freedom. I really don’t have that much freedom compared to other people, but compared to the life I was living at home (school, full time work, living with my restrictive parents), the life I live now feels like paradise/vacation. It’s hard not to feel guilty or undeserving. I’m so used to things being hard and just having this sense of doom/being watched, that having my own space and being able to breathe and live feels SO DIFFERENT. It’s been almost 2 months and I am still not used to this feeling.

As hard as things are, I will settle into my new place and embrace my new life. ❤️

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