Shadowscapes Day 15: Three of Wands

Today’s card is Three of Wands.

First of all, I had a terrible time phonebanking today. I don’t think I’m cut out for it. Spouses wouldn’t let me talk to the voters, the Elders/Yes voters were just nasty to me, and all the hangups and rude comments from young voters and white male voters made it an awful experience. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

I legit wanted to cry at one point!

It was triggering because it reminded me of teaching: Standing in front of a classroom and trying to get people who don’t want to listen to you to work. But more than that, it was the expectations and how they made me feel deficient. Why wasn’t I able to get a positive reaction from people? Why didn’t my lesson/conversation go smoothly? And I never feel worse than when someone demonstrates how they were able to do it flawlessly.

It makes me feel really awful about myself. That I’m not able to get the same reaction from students as a white female teacher, that voters want to have a full conversation with a white male organizer. I try not to feel bad but I cannot.

I always feel like, if I knew how to talk to people the right away, if I had the right voice, if I had the right ~energy~, then maybe I would have greater success. And just like in teaching, I really wanted to see how they would handle the situations I find myself in. But then, I realize, they don’t find themselves in those situations–they happen to me because I am me. Voters and students wouldn’t have been rude to them, at least not to the degree/rate that they are to me.

Am I hurt? Yes. Do I survive this? Also yes.

As for the tarot card, this is how it applies: “She takes a breath and then begins to make her own strides–she takes the next step, and the next, and the bridge begins to grow beneath her feet. … Take a long view of situations, and express leadership.”

I’m going to do exactly that!