Shadowscapes Day 23: The Chariot

Today’s card is The Chariot.

“A constant tension of push and pull of air against liquid is maintained, and to ride to victory, one must be able to achieve the confidence and knowledge to walk upon that fragile surface.”

I relate to this because I’m currently on the fence: should I exit a difficult situation, or should I stay even though won’t be easy? The adults and some kids at the school are giving me a hard time, but I do not want to throw away the connections I’ve made with some of them. It is really hard.

But when I look back on the school years past, I still remember the names and faces of almost every student. It is really odd–no matter what my relationship was with them, or whether I even had much of one or not, they are really memorable to me.

On the other hand, I also remember some of the adults being really nasty to me, and feeling shaken by people being territorial and talking to me like I am getting in their way.

What does it mean to really shine? and when do you lay low? When do you perform? I really don’t know. I’m doing my best, but at this current school, I feel like the adults don’t want me to be there. I think it’s 100 percent possible that a lot of white men and women don’t want POC and women to outperform them. There are so many unspoken vibes that I can pick up.

It’s also depressing seeing that racism and sexism start so young. I see it in kids every day. I feel like all of those things are reasons for me to exist in that space, but it is exhausting.

I’m also anxious about going to Florida. I feel guilty about spending money and traveling. I’m also super uneasy about going to theme parks during COVID, especially in Florida. Going on this trip pushes me out of my comfort zone. I’m trying to think about how to use this as practice.

  1. being around a lot of people in a theme park
  2. being in a place with a lot of stimulation (sounds, sights, smells)
  3. going on a trip with people I don’t know (except Sheryl), and who I potentially feel uncomfortable around
  4. being in a red state with no COVID measures
  5. feeling guilty because I’m spending money that could be going toward something else

How do I make peace with myself for going on this trip? I can exercise my muscle in existing in uncomfortable spaces. I can challenge myself. I can write about it. I will come to appreciate home and in my space when I come back. I just pray that I am safe and make it back. I feel really uneasy.

P.S. I relate to Tynisa’s mental health vlog so hard! It’s accessible and speaks frankly about what

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